Who Do I See?

Could the effectiveness of effort only be limited to specific things in life? Maybe I am trying too hard? Action based on reason might not be logical after all.

I follow my heart and do what I know would make me happy, the feeling I get when I know the other smiles from the heart from the things I do. Never would I want to force anyone to do anything they do not want to. I guess being indifferent would be the safest route. But would it not be hypocritical if my thoughts does not match my actions? The conversations of care on concern would not be sincere if they do not correspond to the maintenance of a relationship. Why should there be a masquerade of true feelings? Could sincerity be that suffocating? Maybe I am just with those who do not understand me at all? Or could it be that the problem is with me?

The thought came like a slap of cold air. Only recently did I find out the reason/concept behind "Your thoughts are too heavy for me." Maybe being my perfectionist self in doing all I can to making others happy might not be a good idea after all. But could it be wrong to do all I can in order not to let every possible opportunity go to waste? Back to basics, I can not make everyone happy, nor make them understand and accept me the way that I am.

I guess I should go back to being the ice-queen and not care too much about the matters of the heart. Let them come, as D says. Why should I even do anything? However, I can't help it if I find my actions responding to my rational of social order and etiquette. I am not trying too hard, it just comes naturally. Do I really make such a bad girlfriend? Am I being myself causing discomfort to others? Do I repel the opposite sex that badly? Am I that intimidating as a female? Should I seriously consider the role of the frail damsel in distress?

A tragedy led me to contact V. We talked for a while and I guess I am slowly unwinding the knots and considering the guys I have dated. Funny enough, after my first official relationship, V has pretty much influenced how I treat guys who came after me. "Give the guy a chance if he tries so hard." "Why can't the girl make the first move?" It goes against what I would normally do, "Why bother when I know he is not the one?" It echoes arrogance but it is indeed scary when I am right. The chance was given and I opened myself to possibilities. It was not a waste of time, I did learn something through all of these relationships.

Be it a joke or not, V mentioned that we were meant to be together right from the start. I chuckled. Maybe, maybe not. Our time spent apart and the people we encountered in life help mature us to be the person who is meant for one another. Who knows? Although we have feelings for one another, time was the factor. Things would be almost perfect if we could speed up time that allows us to mature.

Getting back in contact would do us both good. Talking to V always helped me sort my thoughts out. Just like the good ol' times of high school. I look forward to chatting with him again. Buddies indeed.

The Death of Me

Fine. This phrase maybe a little over used this semester. Wait. I have only used it once for my strategy files and idea box project for Language Arts. Thus I guess it will be ok for me to use it again for my final project for Middle School Methods. I am really not in the mood to work on this research paper and I have been procrastinating since I completed all my other assignments for the semester since Wednesday.

One week left till the end of the Fall semester at Judson. Completing all written assignments, I have only my finals for Children's Literature on Monday. I have my journal article presentation prepared for ESL Methods. All my assignments are handed in for Language Arts and my finals is waiting for me on Wednesday. And all I have left for the entire semester is this research paper for middle school methods. The pain is to prepare 35 corresponding questions to the 10 chapters of the textbook, interview some middle school teachers, compare and contrast the answers with the text book ideal, make the connections, and conclude with a grade for the middle school in question. Whoopie.

I am not in the mood for work. I want sweets and candy. The cookies and cakes are beckoning... Argh! Well, just a week to go. God, please help me.

On the bright side, I did pass my bilingual transitional test! We had "Storm the Dorm" on Thursday where staff and faculty members surprise students in the dorm bringing cookies and snacks to encourage the "studying" students. I had a short chat with Dr. C, no, Santa, and my roomies and I got some CDs and beef jerky. We had a Christmas banquet, but the formal dressed-up Christmas events happened over the weekend with the need for purchased tickets. Although I am on a no baked goods/cookie/candy diet since Monday, I did stuff myself with sausages and cheese at the home party at Dr. S' place. B had her senior design show on Friday adn I loved her work. The snow is beautiful and I am thinking that the campus will be white until it gets warm again.

Enough of slacking, I need to concentrate... Gah~ This middle school paper will be the death of me.

Staring at a dot

I am trying to focus. Although the beauty of the snow outside is mesmerizing, my body seems to be playing a mean trick on me. I have no idea why it is ready to go back to bed again 2 hours after I am up in the morning and the energy level just crashes down hill from there. I am thankful I don't have the sniffles, but work needs to be done without me falling asleep, literally, everywhere at anytime.

Judson had its Christmas Banquet yesterday. I would say it could be rather grand indeed. It is the first time I actually enjoyed the food at the cafeteria, more than my only favorite of spinach quiche as everything else is just nasty. They got the salmon right, and I was even considering getting thirds for the juicy beef tenderloin. It was scrumptious and a little rare, just the way I like my meat. The dessert spread was rather festive too and they had a chocolate fountain. With all the decorations up and the life background music provided, everything would be close to perfect if people we a tinge more dressed up.

At the upper commons, there was a live jazz band playing as students took pictures with Santa Claus under a huge tree and students sticking their raffle tickets into bags to win gadgets like iPod touch, Wii, toys, tickets, and gift cards. JianHui gave me her share of raffle tickets, but since I had no email, I guess I didn't win anything after all.

Nevertheless, I am rather pleased with myself as I have completed all my course work for 2 of my classes now. I just have those of 2 more classes and 2 finals lined up next week. I will also be the coolest teacher in town as I received a bag of goodies for my last day as a teacher's aide. I am now equipped with cool posters and teacher-y stationery. I love it! The boys were also super sweet in signing a card for me. Zac and Ian even made me paper snowflakes with personal messages on them. The male kind are still sweet and cute at the age of 10...

Well, back to completing homework today as I took the entire night off yesterday catching up with Bleach and I made some fruit jelly. It is a strict no sweets diet till Christmas but fruit doesn't count. Yeah, tease all you want but I need to be cordially social at the class get-together this afternoon.

Let it snow, Let It Snow, LET IT SNOW!!!

Snow has been in the weather forecast all day. As a matter of fact, while watching TV earlier, we are given warning to be alert for snow storms that expires at noon, December 1. It doesn't matter. I love snow.

As the snow piles up outside, I wish it could cover all that is in my mind right now. How nice would it be if everything could be reset to a blank canvas. But then again, would I really want that to happen? Apart from the sight and stillness that comes with every snowfall, I love the feeling and sound of snow crunching beneath me everywhere I go. Crunch, crunch, crunch... if only my worries would go away.

*******

I found out more about myself over the last week. I am an obsessive compulsive person when it comes to crafts and decor. I spent the whole of Tuesday morning putting up the Christmas decorations at work and was on the decorating train and started cutting out paper snowflakes at Christina's prompt. I had fun. Now, visiting the place feels like walking into a party.

Under the stress I am facing in wrapping up the semester, I guess having a pair of scissors and paper handy would be a good idea. After Thanksgiving dinner, I started making more paper snowflakes. For a break on Friday, I folded Swedish Christmas Stars. And within 2 days, I have almost completed a cover for my laptop. I also helped with the kids program at church on Sunday, making crafts, decorating cookies, and serving hot chocolate. It was a good break from working on homework throughout my Thanksgiving break.

It's December. Man! This year went past fast. There is so much I would like to say but I need my head to be focused in wrapping up the semester. 2 weeks to go. I would appreciate prayer, not only for myself, but for all those who will be traveling this month.

THANKSGIVING

This holiday is a very intriguing concept to me.

(1) Historically, it would be a day of remembering how the Indians helped the pilgrims settle in the new land, teaching them how to grow corn and the sharing of food. But the immigrants killed most of the natives and drove them out of the land of their forefathers.

(2) People now have the whole traditional Thanksgiving spread. (I had the chance to have 3 Thanksgiving meal: on campus, at church, and at Colleen's place.) Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie/dish, green bean casserole... It is a day where people stuff themselves as they stuffed the bird.

(3) Some hold this day sacred as they frown that commercial places have placed Christmas decorations once the Halloween decor came down. In fear that people would forget this important day, some insist on only having the tree put up, listening to carols... after the Thanksgiving meal or during Thanksgiving weekend.

(4) Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving and the Christmas shopping begins. An American shopping phenomenon when the sales in the stores cross over from the red to black. It is this time of the year where retail stores make the most of their sales during the pre-Christmas season. Stores have sales beginning from 4am to 1pm! I guess this would resemble the British 'tradition' of Boxing day.

Thanksgiving was a welcomed break as Judson started the holidays from Wednesday. Even so, I am glad because this gave me a few days off classes and I could work on my homework and assignment before the crashing final 2 weeks of the semester. Thus, this year, though honored that I was extended a few invitations to spend my first "real" Thanksgiving, I spent it at Colleen's as she was the closest to family I have here. It was fun to be in a home and spent the whole day stuffing myself. The appetizers were served at 3 and dinner at 5. After dinner, there was a huge spread of dessert and we had a gingerbread-house-making/decorating competition. The 21 of us who came for the dinner had fun being kids again. After we got back to campus, my roommates and I put up the itty-bitty Christmas tree we had and I cut out some paper snowflakes for decorations and the windows.

I do have much to be thankful for this year. Who would have imagined that I would actually be in Chicago right now? I am thankful that God plants a desire in my heart and He provided according to His will. It is not easy at all, but I am learning to rely on His grace and faithfulness. I am a little bummed as I am focusing on my selfish wants and fail to see how blessed I am in the big picture. I have my health, my stubborn energy to press on with my work/studies, little to no money for indulgence, and I have wonderful people placed in my life. I need help with a few other areas of my life which I am having little to no faith now... but yeah, in all things and circumstances, be thankful upon the Lord, for He is great.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

My 200th Post!

Thank you for your support and prayers. I congratulate you for bearing with my rantings and crazy adventures.

I have not written for what seems like ages now. Busy is an understatement, but somehow in between all of my workload, I can still find time to procrastinate and laze around a bit. My thoughts are constantly stimulated with my studies and cross-cultural experiences, but most of all with my physical pangs of security to my future and dreams. The trees are almost all barren now with the icy rains. The colors of autumn are pretty much gone leaving everything is shades of grey before the anticipated blankets of snow. The schema just exaggerates the cold and lonely feeling of the season.

However, in contrast to the fluctuating coldness of the outside, I am feeling the chippy-est ever this semester. My moods are lifted to those experienced in summer. Yup, one could even catch a sparkle in my eye! Over the past 2 weeks, I have reached the point of exhaustion. I talked to Dr. D telling him that I am buring out with the madness of the semester. We came to a concensus that maybe a compromise might not be a bad thing after all.

Now you know how much I HATE the word "compromise." Why should I discount myself from my potentials and abilities? You know we should not waste! Nevertheless, I have learned that me being a perfectionist has been the cause of most of my stress. I am fairly aware that I cannot do everything, and by addressing that problem, I am lowering the expectations I have for myself to a more reasonable level. My burden was somewhat lifted when I say "Hang the grades!!!" What is more important is that I am learning something and enjoying it, rather than stressing myself over coursework that aims to equipped the young and inexperienced. It is prideful and arrogant for me to say this, but I guess I have established my credibility that even my mediocre work would still rank the top in my classes. But then again, I have already gone through college once and with the accumulated knowledge, there is no reason why I should not be doing well, if not better.

I must be doing something right for my advisor and professors agree to my decision and are glad that I "look" much better now. I was even selected by my most favorite professor here for a school honor. I have no idea what I did or how I did it, but I was extended a pretigious invitation to serve the school and gain valuable experience in my field. Your prayers are really paid off and I am eternally grateful.

November has reached its midway point now and it is only less than a month before the semester ends. My workload, assignments due, and finals are snowballing with the weeks to come. I look forward to Thanksgiving and the Christmas Break. The challenges will only get harder the coming semester and I know that I will only be able to survive by the walk of faith and living by grace. A comprehensive prayer list will be written this year instead of a Christmas wish list. Without your support, I could have never made it thus far. Thank you!

It is November and I need to vent...

Busy would not suffice for my lack of communicating lately. I am busy and have tonnes of work to be completed, but I am slowly burning out. My mind wonders and I seek pleasures in my addiction of online games. I technically spent 75% of my time outside class sitting in front of a computer. I am easily distracted. I play TALISMANIA. My addiction is bad, I will keep playing the game for hours, at work or while doing homework with the excuse that I am taking a break... Yeah, a break that goes for at least 1.5 hours!!!

Many things have been eating my mind and concentration, too many in fact that when I think about letting them out even I would find myself crazy and disorganized with the bulk load of random thoughts. I would like to just sit down and spill my guts out. Not just to anyone, but someone who seriously cares. I don't deny it. I am seeking for attention, but one that is responsive and that my audience do give a d@mn about what I think and feel. I miss...

... going on a date. I miss going out with someone (regardless gender and proximity) who is really interested to get to know me better, how I am keeping, is not judgmental, and find my rants and thought amusing or maybe entertaining even. I miss my evening walks, my English and grammar class, my sit in the parks, having a meal or coffee together... Joy, the RA, came by yesterday and gave me coffee since places were giving out free food and drinks for voters. She passed me a latte from Starbucks. I looked at the take out cup that adorned with Christmas designs... sigh! Just a year ago, I would have been having coffee at the best tasting Starbucks nation with people I would rather spend all my time with--loved ones and decent dates.

The closest I have to going on a date and having cute guys around is reading to JJ this morning. He's two and he is adorable... so are my reading buddy and the 5th graders I teach. Yup, the men in my life. How exciting! And I am feeling some pressure from a recent email dad sent.

Man! What a morning! The morning after the election. Many have ask how I think about it and how it affects me. Seriously, I would say I am indifferent to the whole ordeal but am only interested to see how the ripple of its effects would affect me. For starters, my roomies and I were never that united to watch TV right into the wee hours of the morning on a week night. All 4 of us were found in bed this morning. (B has been sleeping in the living room for the past 10 days to 2 weeks as she was working on her senior project, and Colleen has been away since Friday.) The other thing was that I really do not have a taste for politics but take interest in how it will affect me as an international student and a future teacher. Thus I look at issues of education and foreign policy/immigration. With a campaign promises of reformation, I would say that I lean towards Obama, but then again, it is only in the weight of the words of a politician. I only look forward to what is going to happen.

The aforementioned are just a glimpse of the tip of the iceberg the pandemonium in my head. I just need to unload and hopefully find someone I am comfortable speak to. I can only do so much with Skype but it would mean the world to me if there is just someone who would sit down right here, right now, and engage...
IS ANYONE OUT THERE???