Who Do I See?

Could the effectiveness of effort only be limited to specific things in life? Maybe I am trying too hard? Action based on reason might not be logical after all.

I follow my heart and do what I know would make me happy, the feeling I get when I know the other smiles from the heart from the things I do. Never would I want to force anyone to do anything they do not want to. I guess being indifferent would be the safest route. But would it not be hypocritical if my thoughts does not match my actions? The conversations of care on concern would not be sincere if they do not correspond to the maintenance of a relationship. Why should there be a masquerade of true feelings? Could sincerity be that suffocating? Maybe I am just with those who do not understand me at all? Or could it be that the problem is with me?

The thought came like a slap of cold air. Only recently did I find out the reason/concept behind "Your thoughts are too heavy for me." Maybe being my perfectionist self in doing all I can to making others happy might not be a good idea after all. But could it be wrong to do all I can in order not to let every possible opportunity go to waste? Back to basics, I can not make everyone happy, nor make them understand and accept me the way that I am.

I guess I should go back to being the ice-queen and not care too much about the matters of the heart. Let them come, as D says. Why should I even do anything? However, I can't help it if I find my actions responding to my rational of social order and etiquette. I am not trying too hard, it just comes naturally. Do I really make such a bad girlfriend? Am I being myself causing discomfort to others? Do I repel the opposite sex that badly? Am I that intimidating as a female? Should I seriously consider the role of the frail damsel in distress?

A tragedy led me to contact V. We talked for a while and I guess I am slowly unwinding the knots and considering the guys I have dated. Funny enough, after my first official relationship, V has pretty much influenced how I treat guys who came after me. "Give the guy a chance if he tries so hard." "Why can't the girl make the first move?" It goes against what I would normally do, "Why bother when I know he is not the one?" It echoes arrogance but it is indeed scary when I am right. The chance was given and I opened myself to possibilities. It was not a waste of time, I did learn something through all of these relationships.

Be it a joke or not, V mentioned that we were meant to be together right from the start. I chuckled. Maybe, maybe not. Our time spent apart and the people we encountered in life help mature us to be the person who is meant for one another. Who knows? Although we have feelings for one another, time was the factor. Things would be almost perfect if we could speed up time that allows us to mature.

Getting back in contact would do us both good. Talking to V always helped me sort my thoughts out. Just like the good ol' times of high school. I look forward to chatting with him again. Buddies indeed.