HOME

Where is your home? Who is your family? Who are you?

We cannot choose our birth. We cannot deny our past. Although our background tells of our story, it does not dictate how our future is to be. We are humans, born of freewill. Our choices define who were are. Who I am today relates strongly to my past. I am thankful for every circumstance for I will be less of who I am today without them. Nevertheless, answers to the question above is the identity I have chosen.

My history has its complexities. I do not claim that I am the only one that falls prey to the harshness of the fallen world, nor do I regard myself the survivor who stands victorious over others who shares similar conditions. I am just thankful for love and grace entered my life and I find peace and a new identity in the cross.

Humans are fallen beings and we all have our limitations. We are governed by physical laws but it is through the freewill and intrinsic mind given that we could find the truth, spread our wings, and soar free. By grace, I stumbled upon the truth and have since made the choice to live as a free person.

Someone once gave me a lecture on the difference between a house and a home. She imposed her distinction of both nouns. With little understanding then, I gave in and embraced that; but as I have grown older, I know I have lost my traditional understanding of home as I entered my adolescent years. As for the family, many vivid memories repaint a picture of my disappointments and distance. During my years in Japan, I learned something about the homeless. It was not because these people had no family, they just did not belong there. It was not limited to the marginalize. It was a choice. I was alone.

Grace is amazing. Numbers of people stepped into my life, and the weirdest thing of all was that they accepted me for who I am. I do not have to please them, and yet they shared they genuine concern for me. They were interested in my well-being and happiness that they are willing to spend time getting to know me. I found my place among God's people and soon my identity there too.

Do you feel lonely? There are times when I wonder whether loneliness refers to the lack of having someone physical beside me, and I do not deny that. Where is your home then? I have been moving around so much that I only look forward. Nevertheless, grace has weaved itself into my life and I have found unconditional love in God and reflected in his children. Biological threads of relation still exist, but I find it more fulfilling to love them with the understanding from above.

I no longer feel lonely, I have a family, and I have a home.

Summer is Here

Man! It is hot today. Hot enough that I needed a fan. The temperature was at at the height of 27C today. (Laughs.) Well, as the nation remembers those who fought for the country's freedom and defending America, it also marks the beginning of summer. Yep, according to the unspoken fashion rules, people are allowed to wear white from today, right up to Labor Day in September. (Hmm, I think I have been breaking the rule these few weeks with my white loafers.)

Anyways, I have work piled up and I seriously should be catching up with my reading. That textbook is a killer. But, there is just so much going on in my head right now. I really wish to speak with someone about it... Skype credits, come soon! Okay, no more procrastinating for the evening. It is time to work on papers due tomorrow.

Central Conference 2008

Over the past 3 days, I attended a conference held by the Japanese Christian Fellowship Network held here at Judson. The conference was attended mainly by Japanese, and those who have a passion for the Japanese. The theme of the conference was "HOME." It was a meaningful time spent in fellowship. Everyone had fun. Here, I have to kick myself for not taking any pictures despite I have a camera.


It is amazing how small the circle of Japanese Christians the world has. At the conference I knew people and was connected to a few through ways I could only imagine. I was invited to attend the conference from JD, a missionary to Japan for 30 years, who is now a professor at my school. She was introduced to me through STF and GL. At the conference the first person I met was Otomo-san. Believe it or not, we took a class together during my first semester at TCU. He attended STF's History of Western Civilization class in preparations to start taking classes when he planned to further his studies in the States then. Now he is a seminary student at Trinity. There were a few other TCU graduates. I was speaking to a participant who was visiting friends in Chicago. After speaking for 5 minutes, I also found out that she was classmates to Otomo-san and she knew Jewel. Other coincidences were people who know friends from Tsuchiura Megumi Church, and a participant from Singapore knew Yanagisawa-sensei too.


Here, I have a confession to make. I did feel uncomfortable at the conference at first. This is because I really do not know where I fit in. Maybe, more than that, I started categorizing myself and others. Oh, how petty I was. The conference and the fellowship was to encourage and support Japanese who encountered Christ overseas. I soon understood the focus of this group. Being a Christian is never easy in Japan. Those who met Christ overseas would like to learn and grow in their faith through fellowship in the language they best understand. Also, with only a small community of Christians in Japan, this fellowship aims to provide follow up and support to those returning to their homeland, finding a church, and living the faith in a closed society. So, regardless how I feel about myself at the conference. It is more of an issue of being their sharing our experience and supporting each other. It was refreshing how my mindset was changed. It should never be about me.

It was a fruitful 3 days. Although the sessions were long, but I have definitely experience the same transcending love and grace that transcends culture, nationality, and ethnicity. Home is indeed where the heart is, and I place mine above.

Silence and Indifference... the Death Sentence

It takes two to tango, and a relationship of any kind is a dance. The bond between two person can only exist if a conversation is going on. It is a game of tennis where the ball gets hit back and forth, momentum builds up, a work out, and it brings about benefiting one's health. When one ceases to talk or communicate with the other party, some may think that the ball might just hit a wall and bounce back, but honestly, it doesn't. The ball is hit to the far end of the court, where it just sits there.

Silence could be caused by hurt. Don't flatter yourself too much that you have hurt me and causing me to hate you. Hate is an emotion. It is on the other polar of love or like. Any emotion involves indicates that there is still something going on. No, you had your chance. I feel nothing for you right now. I am indifferent. I don't care. You are just another human being on the face of this earth. I am no longer interested in what happens to you. Whatever you do will not effect me whatsoever anymore.

I thought you were smart enough to figure this out. If you claimed to have know and understand me, you should have just left things as they were. This is not a hat-trick, a rabbit pulled out of nowhere. You were warned. I have no place for wusses who comes back in regret, or rather, I think you are doing this just to ease your conscience. Too late, you are already dead in my books.

Bitter? I don't think so. I wish you well and all the happiness in the world. You deserve far better, or at least, what you are able to cope with.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

"She is the ice queen, a cold-blooded b*tch." I never denied the title, neither have I claimed that I am a saint. I am human, just like everyone else--fallen. Evil is embedded in our very nature. It is just the choices made in our conscious and reasonable mind that curbs pandemonium to be unleashed.

Many consider that I am a tough nut, an iron lady, and that I rise up to the challenge, overcome, and conquer what is in my path. Situations and circumstances of my past have nurtured me to be strong. But seriously, how strong do I need to be? As life dishes out its realities, in a sadistic way, I have developed an almost impenetrable defense mechanism, a wall built with harsh rule to protect myself and others who I care for from being hurt.

Being impulsive, short-tempered, and stubborn is no help at all. My tongue and mind are sharp, and I can cause serious hurt and damage to the heart of the soul. I constantly have to practice self-control, for this side of me is manipulative, conniving, and mean. I have restraint to avoid acting like such to get what I want, but I may not able to suppress myself when I choose to be mean for the sake of hurting. Maturity might just be what people see from the lighted side.

For convenience sake and easy housekeeping, I would rather throw all of my problems and everything that is associated with them out of the window; however, my masochistic side bids me to shelf them instead. I just brought an item down, ripped open the can of malicious, mutated worms, and let them feast off a soul. Can time dissolve and dilute a hurt? Not in my kitchen. It simply brews and stews. It would be sheer luck if I had made my peace and thrown out the shelfed item, but like every malicious woman, I have my magic and my potions.

Don't say that you are sorry. You have made your choice. Suck it up and deal with it. Knowing light, I was humane and warned you of the consequences. You accepted the rules, and I was fair. No, actually I allowed you to have the better share of the bargain. In fact, I had cheered for you, fend for you, and even protected you. I am able to take care of myself. I needed you to take care of yourself.

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. 2 years? 10 years? I am just a simple girl, longing for the basic needs. The complexities you see is a part of me, that cannot be changed, for then I will be less me. It is a fair offer extended to all:
Accept me for who I am. Discount nothing. Have some decency to return the courtesy, for I accept you just as you are.

Striking Similartities

With my limited knowledge about the big world, I am only able to make associations to events and experienced I have encountered in my short life span on the planet. I have learned to appreciate the seasons and should really be outside enjoying the sun on this beautiful day, but since I had been procrastinating and distracted by my new toy, I had better stay indoor to finish up my work.

Talking about work, my current class brings back memories from my days at TCU. I am starting to wonder whether all psychology professors, regardless of their focus topics, went through the exact same education process as the way classes are carried out, study notes, and class activities are strikingly similar. Oh, how I miss Sugitani-Sensei.

Also, we had the rare opportunity to be meeting on a Saturday today, we were given treats! My current class/course are mainly taken by adults who have attained their degree, some even are currently teaching in the local schools, but came back to take courses to be certified as teachers. Juggling these courses and a full time work is seen to be hard and we are also moving in a fast pace in completing a semester's course in 5 weeks. This morning, I entered the classroom and there was a spread of breakfast! Dr. W brought sweet rolls, while Dr. D provided us with fruits, bagels, doughnuts and coffee. Yummy! At least I am fed and awake for class!

Man, it is great to be back in school again; especially one that reminds me so much of the wonderful times I had at my Alma mater. Grace, in abundance. Forgive me of being a stereotype if I may use the expression here, but I sincerely believe such "generosity" can only happen in an environment where people understand, have received grace themselves, and are compelled to do what they can so that others may come to know of grace unlimited.

What A Day!

I saw my first raccoon this evening on my way to class. The masked dog caught my attention scraping down the slope before catching me eye-to-eye. I smiled, thinking to myself "How cute! That explains the unidentified poop I see on the paths!" (We have all kinds of animals on campus. Now I can identify 3 kinds of poop if I see them: geese, deer, and raccoon. I bet I'd be able to recognize the poop associating it to the animal I see. [Man, wouldn't the biology lecturer and the pet-lover back home be proud!])

That started the ball rolling for good things to come. I was rather annoyed that I was not prepared for class today. But knowing that my new MacBook arrived early this morning excited me. However, being a techno-illiterate, I had troubles setting it up and faced problems with the wireless connection on campus. The annoyance did not get to me but I dread to leave my new toy for class.

As I approached the the Education Department building, I bumped into Dr. D, who was trying to locate me all day. He had an extra ticket for Avalon tomorrow and would love for me to join him and his family for dinner before that. That boosted my spirits for my upcoming 3.5 hour class! Things started to get better when I found out that I did pretty good on my test on Tuesday and aced the assignment given. (Laughs) Now, I just have to keep up the good work and work on what is due in the next 32.5 hours.

But hey, I bumped into some international students in the dorm and they were going to hang out at Selina's place for a movie night. It is summer after all... So, after watching Sweet Home Alabama over sugar and caffeine free coke, an orange popsicle, and some mini pizzas, I managed to log on in my room hassle free! What a day!