Burdened and Weary

I feel so... だるい (darui) of late. I could not find the right expression in English, but I hope the explanation given on the link helps shed some light. My body does not seem to cooperate with me at all. I feel tired, heavy, and if I have my way, I would just want to lie down all day. Hmm, a "beached whale" or a "tranquilized worm" would describe the lack of motivation my body has in moving about. Getting up in for the past 2 mornings has been tough. I feel extremely tired and could not complete my work out regime and the gym. Sluggish could also be used to categorize my week thus far.

Too many things have been going on in my head. It is like a ball of tangled up Christmas lights. I just need to figure things out and be on top of the situation, but there is just so much I do not know for sure and thus I feel rather lost. I am tired. The issue of faith then pops into my head again. Let me just touch on this a little to help me get it out of my system, clarifying my thoughts and shedding some light to the shadow.

I have a dream, a desire which I want to pursue. It is easier said than done as there is a lengthy process, and as everything that fits in this material world, there is the issue of having the resources to hold the whole thing together. I am not claiming that I am pious, righteous, or perfect that I am 100% right on this matter, but for the sake of discussion, let's just say that I have a good deal of experience to know that it is true.

Someone once told me that God will never put a desire in your heart that He does not intend to see it come through. Some might consider that it is His will or His plans. We have no problems agreeing to that if it is something good, beneficial, and benevolent towards all, but if it is on the contrary, many would fail to see that it is also an opportunity to learn, repent of our selfish intentions reflected in such desires, and draw closer to be more dependable on the grace of God. He never puts the impossible in our hands, nor will He place a challenge that is too big for us to handle. He is a good God, He loves us, and He is in control. He is not cynical or mean to place a desire to taunt us in, giving us hope but taking it all away later, or withdrawing His gifts for something less than the best He has to offer us. He is after all the God of love and grace, faithful and true.

Throughout the years, I have my desires to go places or do certain things, and never have I been let down by His faithfulness. As simple as my desires are, I understand who I am well enough to know that it is not something selfish or too self-centered. In fact, I have never imagined myself to possess such desires. It is not just a spur of the moment or something that suddenly came up. I have been thinking about this specific dream and desire since 3-4 years ago. Sharing this with the experienced and wise, they have shared their views that it is a good thing to do, and I have received countless encouragement and support. My understanding is that it is something I want to do in thanksgiving and accountability for all that was given to me. Nevertheless, I would not dare to say that it is a calling, for it is way too early in my life to see what God has planned for me.

But, let's say that IF it is a desire that God has planted in my heart, it is from Him, His plan or will per say, and I should have no doubts in saying that since it is from Him, He will provide as He is a God that keeps His promises. It might not be exactly how we wanted it (for our perceptions are only human that is tainted with selfishness), but it will turn out to be perfect in His eyes and will. The lives of many in history testify of such faithfulness, so why am in anxiety? He is perfect and will have everything in place that He does not contradicts Himself. He is the one same God that is consistent past, present, and future. Having experienced some of His goodness, where Bunny is your faith?

At times like such I am humbled for I am only human and the strength many see in me is a constant struggle in my heart and mind to fully let go in order to fully submerge myself in His grace. There are so many times when I know but I fail to understand, I act but fail to believe. A heart that is so stubborn is the reason for the struggles and burden in my mind. I know that only when I truly release it and commit it into the hands of the God who loves me things are made so simple and easy. What I can do is limited, and it is only when I can reduce myself to zero, allowing the Almighty to do His work that everything will come to pass in perfection.

I guess such struggles act as reminders of our sin and imperfections, and prompt us time and again that we are but only human. In these dark moments we look upwards and have hope. There is the rainbow reminding us of who God is and that we should have faith in His faithfulness. As we continue to seek after Him, only then we will have light, and by then our hearts, bodies, and mind would be weightless and soar with desires, dreams, and hopes that pleases Him.